My desire is to remove the blinders, clear away the fog in the mirror, and ultimately provide a full paradigm shift in the minds of anyone reading this excerpt. Not often in a lifetime of experiences will the opportunity present itself for full clarification on a topic such as this. I am taking this journey right along with you through our hearts, our minds, our essence that desires clarification, just as an observer of fine art looks through the art to see the artists intended meaning. This lens is provided as if a photographer is on a journey with a guide, call it a Sherpa, a hike up the treacherous snow-capped mountain, for the ultimate view. Shall we go on a hike?
Have you ever woken up one day and found that all of the choices you have ever made, every single one of them, were suddenly under such fine scrutiny that to was as if your life was spread out on a glass slide for a microscope to enlarge and evaluate, all for the entire world to see? Well, may with you how very interesting this feeling is since it has been my experience with our wonderful and fair “justice system?” Never in my life have I had an opportunity to share this experience, so please be patient with me as I begin the trek up the mountain. Please come along with me. I promise a view of the ocean with three lovely palm trees at the end.
Working and going to school has always been my jam, I am employed full time with the PIA (Prison Industry Authority) Dental Laboratory, and I am in school full time with California
State University Fresno Bachelor’s program. I work hard and I play hard. It has been my mantra for many a year as I embark on a journey to achieve my goals and dreams with God’s
help. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I am a Bible thumping born again Christian, but please don’t hold that against me. Positivity, productivity, practicality, and a desire to assist others are some of my driving forces. I share this with you since those traits are the counterparts of the attributes in which the myth is formed by dubbing me a” murderer, for lust and greed.” Now, I understand a moment in each person’s life where they embark upon the proverbial fork in the road, the choice with which direction to take. Do I take the road less travelled? The smooth, softly paved road that is neatly manicured with arched shade trees, lines painted perfectly, a straight pathway that takes you directly to the goals and dreams you envision for your life…Or what about this one…the bumpy, overgrown, washed our riverbed filled with vipers, scorpions, red ants, and black widows?
Now, I don’t know about you, but I definitely would prefer the first road to travel. Wouldn’t you? Any logical person would probably want to select the road to one’s goals and dreams, the road that had a definite pathway to travel, and one that is proven to be safe, sound, and super organic. Why on Earth, or shall I say the entire Universe, would someone, anyone, choose the second road to travel upon as a goal, a desire, a conscious choice for chaos in their life? This is the question I ask myself everyday as I awake to another day staring at a cinderblock grey dingy cold brick wall, the very structure that encases my goals and dreams. Prison. The prison that has held me in limbo as a vortex for 23 years, those years lost forever with no way to relive any special moments with my family, my children, my husband, my freedom.
With the second option for traveling, the road to hell, I will note that purportedly I am described within the context of descriptions that provide the “ick” factor for traveling this way. It’s the “black widow spider,” the one that mates, and then she kills her mate. That is one of the names given to me as I was charged, convicted, and incarcerated for the crime of killing my first husband for lust and greed. Albeit a theory, a theme for the jury to be entertained with fallacies, inappropriate slander, dirty cops that wanted someone to pay the price, and another way to utilize the funds of the tax payer’s money, including yours and mine. fI you asked me before 1998, “Can you imagine yourself in a situation that would incarcerate you for your entire life, without the possibility to parole-ever?” I really would think you had a few screws loose, or you lost your marbles like one of the lost boys in the movie Peter Pan. Who would consciously or even subconsciously choose this option?
Many of the events which I speak of could fill entire volumes of books, the details are what make all of this valid. Like I said when I began, I am just now writing this down for the first time so my heart is heavy laden with grief, I am utterly shattered by the brevity of how the past 23 years are now in the past, never to be retrieved-ever. I have m i s s e d out on all of my children’s (now adults) many milestones and special moments. How does someone who always wanted to be a mother get to this place where I am not raising them, I am not there for them, and I am not able to dry their tears? I fear if I were to think on it too long, I might utterly lose my mind. Just now, as I type, my heart feels as if it is skipping a beat as the tears are streaming down my cheeks splashing my glasses. I think now would be a good place to find a resting spot on the steep cliff of the mountain.
When my attorney contacted me regarding this case, I was nine months pregnant. I went to the court house voluntarily on February 28, 2002, as I had nothing to be concerned of, I was fully cooperative. Twenty-three years later, here I am, sitting in my cell. That day was the last day my husband Matthew held me in his arms. It was the last day we took our son to school and hugged him as we wished him well with his day with a hug and a kiss, and a high-5 hand pat, never to be seen again for 23 years. Our one daughter, it was the last time we could hold her, she was only a baby at 20 months old, and the last time we ever changed her diaper and told her in person that we love her and giving her butterfly kisses all over her face as she giggled. I was 9 months pregnant with our third child, our daughter that Matthew has never seen, held, touched, or even had a conversation with. Our 3 beautiful children now enter the vortex with us as our lives as a family has ended, our freedom stripped away, and our goals and dreams, never to occur. Now for the oxygen mask, we are quite high on the mountain trek, getting close to the snow-capped peak.
I went into labor handcuffed on a county bus on my way back from court, the officers stated something that I didn’t even understand, now I do and it breaks my heart to think of it.
“Just another crack-ho giving birth to a bastard low-life…disguisting.”
I thought to myself as I am the only visibly pregnant woman on the bus. I” wonder who they are talking about, what’s a ‘crack-ho,’ what does that mean?” Well, to that officer, I say, “You are wrong, and you don’t know me or my beautiful healthy baby, and I forgive you.”
The strength needed to give birth while in custody, chained to a bed with my hand, and at the ankle, with interns practicing on me as I am giving birth to a very big baby, over 9 pounds, an excruciatingly tough delivery. The only thing I could draw on for inner strength since I did this twice before, was a photo of my other two children that I carried in my bra, next to my heart for every court date, my hope, my inspiration. Matthew and I had a birth plan for an all- natural child-birth experience, as we did for our first little girl, which was a beautiful experience. I was doing pregnancy yoga, as I did with the last pregnancy, we had a doula (like a midwife) for our coach in our decision for an all-natural child-birth. Our birth plan included laboring at home with peace, serenity, and just at the right moment to go to the hospital for an easy delivery (like before with daughter #1).
I had none of this. I was in a county hospital, chained to a bed like a dog, officers to guard me (since I am such a big bad “convict”), I experienced numerous improprieties, too many to list, and when it was all said and done, this adorable little curly haired brunette smiled at me as I held her only once EVER for about 3 minutes. I was promised to see her, to breast feed her,
to hold her. Never again. She is now 23 years old. I have scars on and in my heart too deep to even touch, the loss of my motherhood is too painful to even express. The loss of my family, my life, my freedom is something that I ask God often, “Why?”
I have lived my whole life to be a mother, and to raise my precious children, and now they are grown. They each live their life to the fullest, all three of them. have a son and two daughters. They are truly resilient and amazing, I am in awe at how incredibly they have come through this travesty without their biological mother and father raising them.
Next, my second husband Matthew is literally incarcerated for marrying me, “The Black Widow.” He is a very good man, he is a wonderful father, and he is one of the best people I know. We are still married, in love, and ti has been 32 years. Then there is the matter of my entire family being incarcerated along with us. This journey has been extremely difficult for their belief system, the desire ot assist us, but not knowing how to, and sadly now many family members, including both sets of our parents, have passed away.
There is resilience that only my faith in God, my inner warrior, my inner choice to be free inside these prison walls can provide. This choice to live, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how deeply my heart is scarred, is my choice to make. I am a mother, I love my 3 children with al that I am. I pray for them every single day. Working with mothers, youths, women who have experienced extreme trauma, people that need a warm hug and a kind smile, this is what I do every single day. Helping others has brought my own humanity back to my essence, my joy. Just because I am no longer wearing my rose colored glasses, it doesn’t mean that I cannot see things in a positive manner. Learning this lesson, I can move forward in life, no matter the end outcome with freedom on the line. I am free inside of my own heart, my joy is renewed, and I can find the meaning in assisting others.
Ah, we have reached the top of the snow-capped mountain “Mount Fletcher,” the crisp thin air causes our lungs to work a little harder, we have clarity and can see for hundreds of miles,
we plant the flag together, you and I. The flag represents any challenge or obstacle in your life that you explored with courage and overcame that bump in the road by your sheer will to win with a positive attitude. Take a deep breath and feel your inner warrior, you are your own champion of this race, the one down the bumpy road.
The ironic thing is this…I have nothing, really nothing, I mean the type of nothing that is if I parole tomorrow, I have nothing. I have the most important part in my soul is the truth, the honest to God truth that I know one day will be revealed. Oddly enough, I am content with knowing that I can exist this travesty having nothing but my love for my family and my God.
The very fact that I have found peace in this is shocking for me as I write these thoughts for you to see my soul. May your future journeys to mountain peaks be filled with love and light as you embark on the excursion of self-actualization. Thank you for hearing me and hiking to the top of the mountain. Can you see the ocean off in the distance?
The poem that I wrote Three Palm Trees is a narrative of the art project I completed with the
Life on Art program for incarcerated individuals. Volunteers made paper mache hearts
flanked by angel’s wings for the participants to paint what was in our hearts. The participants were asked to create art that resonates with our soul and speaks to our inner self. Immediately
I thought of my loving husband Matthew and our 3 children. I selected al of their favorite colors to make the palette that created the beach scene between two ethereal wings. I have never painted with acrylic paints, nor have never painted anything other than the walls in my children’s bedroom. This was quite a new experience for me. Each brush stroke symbolized my love for my family as tears splashed into the ocean I was painting.
I painted a vast ocean symbolizing our love (Matthew and I) for our 3 children as they are represented as the three palm trees on the sand’s shore. Our love reaches them at the speed of light as the sun in the scene shines upon the ocean’s waters illuminating better days ahead.
The beating of our hearts mimic the fluid pulse of the waters trying to reach the 3 palm trees, our children are so close, yet so far away from us. Our love for each other and our 3 children is like the endless waves in the ocean, continuous, steady, and refreshingly vibrant with life. They are always in our hearts as love is expressed with each breath we take and each mountain we hike on this journey.
BIO:
Jennifer Karen Fletcher is now 5 years young. She has devoted her life in assisting others, even in prison with her job working at the Dental Laboratory as a Certified Dental Technician
for the past 13 years. Focusing on spiritual, mental and physical fitness, Jennifer still enjoys exercising, jogging, yoga, and meditating. She had earned 2 AA degrees, and 1 A.S degree (plus her AA degree from 30 years ago), and is on track to complete her B.A. in Social Science with California State University Fresno. Jennifer plans on applying for the Master’s Program as soon as she completes her Bachelor’s degree. Her husband writes her often, loves her dearly, and he resides just “across the street” at the prison where she originally resided, now it is a men’s prison—ah the irony. Their children are grown and living their lives within this broken system. Jennifer loves her family, her husband, her children, and her joyful heart yearns for their happiness. Some fun facts about Jennifer: she loves swimming, roller-skating, dancing, bicycling, fishing, arts-n-crafts, crocheting, laughing, and honey buns!
Three Palm Trees
Beautifully Majestic, full of life, oceans of azure blue softly caressing toasty warm sands; coming so close t o you
Your palm fronds blow in the breeze, swaying to and fro
wondering with life’s many choices, which way you will go, Sunshine glowing bringing warmth to the sands of time
Praying constantly for you, wishing you are doing just fine seagulls off in the distant horizon met the sun’s rays Turning the sands of time and looking upon better days
Whispers of your names flow in the breeze caressing our ears The voice of God assures us you are just fine, so dry those tears
Rippling, swirling, thoughts roll like the water’s crest
Our “Justice System” ripped you out fo our family nest Bending, growing, maturing Thre Palm Trees no the beach
Our oceans water’s mist flowing to you, just out ofreach TwoDarents immersed ni an ocean rolling to het shoals
w a t c h i n g from afar as their three children reach their goals Come hither says the warm sand to our hearts sea flowing whti love
Finding faith god is keeping you safe from the heavens above Hope cherished, our hearts afloat in-between two ethereal wings
Thinking and dreaming of you, painfully yet joyfully our heart sings The beating of our hearts mimic the fluid pulse of the waters
Loving, missing, and praying fervently of our son and Daughters visit the oceans shore, look for the Three Palm Trees
visions of freedom, famílies reunited as true love as the keys unlock a beautiful picture framed just for you delicately beside one another Who else could love you like endless waves of the ocean, your Father and Mother.
