Many men talk about sex like it’s something they do to women.
Not with them.
TO them.
“I hit that.” “I smashed.” “I tapped that.” “I pounded.” “I destroyed.” “I railed.” “I took her home.” “I got her into bed.” The prepositions and the verbs reveal the architecture. He is the subject. She is the object. He is the actor. She is the terrain he acts upon. The thing he hits. The thing he smashes. The thing he takes. You think it’s just slang. You think it’s just how men talk. It’s not. It’s the blueprint. The preposition is the weapon. If you talk about sex like a conquest, you treat women like territory. If you talk about sex like a transaction, you treat women like currency. The language isn’t neutral. It’s the architecture of the whole system.
And what does it feel like on the receiving end? The woman who lies there while he tells his friends he “hit that.” The specific loneliness of being in a bed with someone who doesn’t see you. The mid-act realization that you’re not there. You’re just the surface he’s acting upon. The disconnect. The silence in your own head while someone uses your body. The numbness that follows. That’s what to feels like from the receiving end. It’s not sex. It’s a shift you endure until he’s done. It’s waiting for the weight to lift.
Women’s pleasure isn’t an afterthought. It’s the point. Or it should be. The to framing doesn’t just ignore women’s pleasure. It erases it. It makes it irrelevant. It makes HER irrelevant. You don’t get to call it sex if only one person’s body matters. That’s not sex. That’s masturbation with a person. That’s using a human body like a sock while you watch the movie in your head. Her pleasure is a right, not a bonus. Her orgasm is the point, not the optional ending he tries to rush past so he can roll over and sleep.
Women fake orgasms to protect male ego. Women perform enthusiasm to avoid conflict. Women shrink their desires to fit his narrative. The emotional labor of being the object. You have to moan at the right time. You have to move the right way. You have to validate the performance he’s putting on for himself. The to language doesn’t just describe what men do. It describes what women are forced to endure. The performance is the survival mechanism. If you don’t perform, you’re frigid. If you do, you’re a slut. The tightrope is exhausting. And he doesn’t even see the rope.
When sex is something done to you, your “no” is an interruption.
Your boundary is an inconvenience. Your discomfort is irrelevant. The to framing makes it harder to say stop. Harder to be heard. Harder to be safe. If she’s the object, her will doesn’t matter. The object doesn’t get a vote. The ground doesn’t get to say “not here.” This is why the “no means no” fight is so hard. Because the language says “I took it.” Not, “I asked.” The to mentality creates the entitlement that makes assault possible. It turns violation into victory. It makes the crime a trophy.
Look at the verbs. “Hit.” “Smash.” “Tap.” “Pound.” “Destroy.” “Rail.” These aren’t metaphors. They’re literal descriptions of what the men think they’re doing.
They’re hunting.
They’re collecting.
They’re consuming.
They’re waging war on a body.
Contrast that with “We made love.” “We connected.” “We shared.” The first group is about the man. The second group is about the couple. The first group is about power. The second group is about intimacy. The sports metaphors. “Score.” “Touchdown.” “Hustle.” The language of sex is the language of the battlefield. Because the system rewards it. Because men are taught that sex is a prize to be won. And women are the field they win it on.
And the to dynamic is compounded by other forms of objectification. The Black woman whose body has been treated as public property since the first slave ship. The “jezebel” myth that was invented to justify the rape. The assumption that her body is always available. The violence done to her is justified by the lie that she asked for it. The trans woman who is fetishized and hunted in equal measure. Reduced to a sexual object for someone else’s curiosity. The violence done to her is justified by the panic defense. The man who wanted her so bad he had to kill her to prove he didn’t. The disabled woman who is told she should be grateful anyone wants her at all. Denied agency. Denied desire. The assumption that she can’t have sex with someone, so she must be taken care of, or taken advantage of. The to framing is always worse for the women the society already treats as less than human. The objectification stacks. The violence compounds. The preposition is the same. The target just gets more vulnerable.
“Why don’t women call this out?” The cost of calling it out. The risk of being labeled difficult. Frigid. A prude. A man-hater. The woman who says “I don’t want to be hit. I want to be held” is told she’s asking too much. The woman who demands with is told she’s ruining the mood. The silencing is part of the system. If she speaks up, she’s the problem. If she stays quiet, she’s complicit. The trap is the design.
But women have desires. Women have agency. Women have pleasure that exists independent of men. Women aren’t just not-objects. They’re subjects. They’re whole. They want. They choose. They exist. Women’s sexuality is their own. It doesn’t need a man to validate it. It doesn’t need a to, to activate it. She is the subject of her own life. She is the actor in her own bed.
What does sex with look like? What does mutual desire feel like? Not just “not to.” But with. Real with. The vulnerability. The connection. The seeing and being seen. The moment where you realize you’re both there. You’re both present. You’re both human.
The tenderness that’s possible when you stop treating someone like a hole and start seeing them as a whole…
The breath that matches yours. The hand that reaches for your face, not your body. The silence that doesn’t need to be filled because the silence is the connection. That’s what women are denied when men to them instead of with them. That’s what’s stolen.
Not just the orgasm.
The fucking humanity.
“It’s just words.” No. Words are thoughts. If you think in to, you act in to. The language is the ideology. “It’s about pleasure.” No… It’s about ego. If it were about pleasure, you’d care about hers. “Women are the same.” No. Women’s language is different. Women say “We.” Men say “I”. That’s the divide. “Men are just visual.” No. Men are just trained. And they can be trained differently. “You’re overthinking it.” No. You’re underthinking it. And that’s the problem.
Stop using the language of conquest. Or you will find yourself alone in the bed.
The women are leaving. The women are walking out. The women are refusing to be the terrain. You can’t pretend to be a partner while talking like a predator. You can’t claim to love women while you talk about them like territory you just invaded. The shift from to to with isn’t just a grammar lesson. It’s a revolution in the bed. It’s a demand for humanity.
Learn to speak with.
Or you, will be alone with, your hand…
The women are done being the objects in your sentences. They are writing their own.
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“Or you will find yourself alone in the bed.”
Too bad many Gen Z and younger generation males are finding this out the hard way. They are alone, overwhelmingly. And report not liking it.
That is not the same for the women in their cohorts. They are moving on with fulfilled lives….without these men to drag them down.
And in this revanchist moment we are having, it is going to be even more difficult for them.
Oh well. Boo hoo hoo. All they need to do is be introspective, stop acting like domineering assholes, engage in some self-improvement, some self-reflection about themselves and women, lose the ignorant He Man bullshit and have something to offer them.
Until then, they can have their fleshlights. These women don’t care. And rightfully so.