By Jacob Derin
It’s been a pretty tough year in lockdown for most of us. Millions have lost their jobs, political division is more bitter than ever and Netflix followed through on their threat to drop The Office. In the midst of all this heartbreak, however, I’d like to offer an opportunity for a little joy in your life. I think it’s time for a look back on Joe Biden’s “Cornpop” story.
In June 2017, in Wilmington, Delaware, Joseph R. Biden attended an event at a local swimming pool that was renamed in his honor. In his youth, Biden had worked there as a lifeguard. It’s the highest honor a lifeguard can aspire to.
Biden chose to use his speech at the event to tell a folksy story from his time working there, and it was a doozy. We open on a typical day at the pool, with young Biden, our hero, watching children playing in the water. He reminds us of the awesome responsibility on his shoulders, noting that if someone were to fall from the diving board, they “landed on the damn — the darn cement.” Lest we think his story tainted by profanity, he quickly corrects himself.
Then we’re introduced to our story’s villain with the immortal line: “Cornpop was a bad dude.” It’s worth noting that Biden offers no context here, jumping from the inherent dangers of the diving board right to a description of his arch-nemesis. Biden is deadly serious about Cornpop. His campaign has ardently insisted on the existence of a local gang leader by that name.
Anyway, after a brief digression about pomade and swimming caps, Biden explains that Cornpop refused to listen to his warnings while on the diving board. So, to avoid him cracking his crunchy skull on the cement, he called up to him, “Hey Esther! You! Off the board, or I’ll come up and drag you off!” “Esther” apparently refers to 1940s actress and swimmer Esther Williams, which I should point out was already a dated reference in 1961 when this story takes place.
Cornpop doesn’t take kindly to Biden’s wisecrack and tells him, “I’ll meet you outside.” He then went outside and joined three other guys holding straight razors and waited for our hero to come and meet them. This is where Biden’s story takes a turn from “family sitcom morality play” to something out of a scene from Mad Max.
Faced with murderous breakfast cereal on the one hand and public humiliation on the other, Biden finds himself caught between a rock and a hard place. He asks for the advice of a man he refers to as “Bill Wright Mouse.” Mr. Mouse is apparently the pool mechanic and the only white guy; a detail Biden finds relevant for some reason.
Billy Mouse takes young Biden down into “the basement where mechanic — where all the pool f-f-filter is.” Then he cuts Biden off a “six-foot length of chain,” which they keep for closing off the deep end of the pool. Our rodent mechanic tells Biden to walk out to the “bad boys” waiting for him outside the pool and threaten them with the chain, insisting that if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t come back to the pool. Bizarrely, Biden notes, “he was right.”
So, armed with his pool chain, young Biden goes out to face Cornpop and his boys. Here, Biden gives what’s probably the strangest recollection of the entire story. He tells his audience of young African-American children and their parents, “In those days, remember the straight razors you would bang them on the curb, get ‘em rusty, put them in a rain barrel, get ‘em rusty.”
This is an experience I don’t think anyone has had for at least half a century, if at all. This memory is so strange and specific that I tried to find some evidence of the practice on the internet. But, a Google search for the phrase “Did people ever put razors in a rain barrel to get them rusty?” will only return results related to incredulous think pieces on Biden’s epic smackdown with Cornpop.
In a moment of clarity, Biden tells us that he confronts Cornpop And The Boys “and I was smart [pause] then.” What this amounted to was Biden apologizing to Cornpop for his decades-old Esther Williams comparison, but importantly “not for throwing [him] out!”
The two exchange menacing glares, with Biden nervously clutching his pool chain on the one side and Cornpop’s gang brandishing their tetanus-inducing straight razors on the other until Cornpop asks, “Are you apologizing to me?” And when Biden confirms that he is, the two sides stand down their fearsome weapons, and the standoff ends peacefully.
This reminds me of a fact about the Cuban Missile Crisis, which wasn’t declassified until decades later. In exchange for the Soviet withdrawal of nuclear weapons from Cuba, the U.S. agreed to a similar withdrawal from Turkey. Biden’s brush with Cornpop appears to have taught him at a young age that a leader must be tough but willing to compromise.
Jacob Derin is a third-year English and Philosophy major at UC Davis.
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The irony of that comment is not lost on this reader. 🙂
Much of the story sounds like “malarkey”, to me.
Next election, I’m considering writing-in (either) Cornpop, or Esther Williams. Or maybe a bucket of rusty straight-razors.
The irony wasn’t lost on this reader either.
Here’s the video referenced in this article. Watch it, it’s very interesting in so many aspects.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvCf1X2es0I&t=1846s
That is one bizarre, rambling speech.
Biden has never been a good speaker. I cannot tell if his ability is declining, further.
That whole speech was a disgusting mess. Roaches? Really?
I thank the author for providing the link.
Hi folks,
When you all start sniping at each other, we’re just going to remove the comments. When comments are off-topic, we’re going to remove them.
So several comments have been removed.
I’d heard of this tale before, but love this sardonic retelling of the story of the story-telling, and especially like the 60’s sit-com-like ‘moral’ at the end of the story!
But . . .
Is it PC to quote someone’s stutter? I don’t know what the ‘rules’ are on that 😐
It’s difficult for me to believe that quoting someone could be considered inappropriate, but the thing is that I really don’t have it out for Biden. He seems like the kind of guy who can take a joke, unlike other recent Presidents.
Whether or not it’s PC, in this context it is unnecessary, mocking, and offensive.
To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln “You can make some of the people laugh all of the time and all of the people laugh some of the time, but you cannot make all of the people laugh all of the time.”
This guy would agree with you:
https://youtu.be/uNXgjnBpxGI
More seriously: https://isad.isastutter.org/isad-2013/papers-presented-by-2013/its-not-funny-and-there-is-no-reason-to-laugh/
I didn’t catch that the first time, but I agree.
I also like this line:
And this one:
Overall, an amusing article from the Vanguard’s best student writer. (No, make that “any” Vanguard writer.) Probably could do this professionally.
Oh yes, I’m quickly becoming a Jacob Derin fan club member.
I mean how can you not like the line “Cornpop’s gang brandishing their tetanus-inducing straight razors”?
I like it that he’s willing to rock the boat.
I guess, unlike some others associated with this blog, he didn’t get the memo (so to speak) that Biden is off limits.
Good job Vanguard enlisting Jacob as a contributor.
We can have three way fight to the death as to who will be president of the fan club.
Ditto.
Y’know, Bob Dunning just completed his 50th year and has some good years left I’m sure, but maybe, at some point, if JD wishes to settle in Davis . . . just sayin’ . . .
Keith, did you forget the first and second rules of Jacob Derin Fan Club?
Guys like us (about as old as Biden) aren’t going to know any references to movies made beyond the 1950s.
But, I’m guessing that it’s something about not mentioning Angelina Jolie.
I’m betting it’s a Fight Club reference.
My comment referred to what one of the actors in Fight Club might not want to talk about – in real life.
But as they say, if you have to explain a joke/obscure reference, . . .
Never saw the movie, but familiar with the quote.
Love the Colbert video that Keith posted. Probably the best political comedian on TV, though pretty-one sided, normally.
Yeah – this type of writing would be a good replacement for the likes of Dunning, Herb Caen, etc. Maybe that’s why us “old” folks are responding to it well.
Actual video of the Biden-Corn Pop confrontation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVwv8cBhnMY
Thank you, Keith O… that was worth the watch…
Much too enjoyed the skit part of the video. Something about Colbert doesn’t sit right with me, though I can’t quite pinpoint it. Perhaps it’s just that I miss Letterman so much.
But now Letterman is being besmirched by cancel culture’s anthropological archive miners, finding interviews where he made people uncomfortable. If they don’t get that was part of Letterman’s shtick, they are mining in mines they know nothing about. I doubt Dave nor his glorious beard give a flying f*ck.