by G. Ruiz
I would have to say that my life behind bars has been so painful. It’s almost so true on how, like the saying goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.” No matter whether you’re alive or gone, life just seems to continue without you. The thought of being so alone and asking yourself, “Why continue to live?” Or asking yourself, “What’s my purpose?”
If I were asked to describe hell, this would be my definition: prison. I mean, I could tell you that I’m so blessed to have three meals a day, a roof over my head, clothes to wear, etc. But if you were to see the portions of the food they feed us, some of the food that we have to eat, the mattresses that some of us have to sleep on that smell like urine or have mold on them, and the medical treatment and care that I can actually say most of us don’t get. But then I’m also grateful that I at least have that, because in some countries they have it much worse.
I feel like after being in prison I have lost who I am. Being in here has changed me. I never realized that I and many others wear masks, hide who we really 
are. Before I came to prison, I was a kind, loving, caring, and responsible person. I had dreams and goals. But prison is full of evil and negativity; even some staff are corrupt.
Being in prison has caused me to lose my foster family who loved me and cared about me and took me in. I have lost all my friends. It’s like I am dead to the outside world. But I can also say that I learned so much while in prison. It has taken me 11 years to really find myself again.
So many who grew up with good lives don’t know what it’s like to be in my shoes, or in others’ shoes. I also see so much talent and potential in many inmates here, but they are scared of change, or just don’t have someone to lend them a hand and guide them in a positive direction.
Many of us have lost faith. I used to think that prison is like a big coffin, especially with a life sentence, only we’re not yet buried under the ground. It hurts to think that way, but many will do their time and die in here. I wish they could be helped, rehabilitated, but that’s not what the courts want for them.
I am blessed with the opportunities they offer here to become a better person, such as college and jobs, even though I’ve lost so much in prison. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be free from inside and I can even gain so much also. Just by being a service to others and being a better person. I want to be able to touch people and give them hope. I think that being in prison has actually made me appreciate life more and especially appreciate the little things in life. Prison is what we make of it. That’s if you’re mature about it though. You can either be a good person and hang around positive people, or you can hang around negative people and be a bad person.
Republished from “Perspectives from the Cell Block: An Anthology of Prisoner Writings” – edited by Joan Parkin in collaboration with incarcerated people from Mule Creek State Prison.
