Dear God, are you as surprised as I am that I am sitting in a jail cell accused of murder? Who is going to tell Daddy? Who is going to take care of my house? I’m six months pregnant, and I don’t want to have my baby in this nasty cell. I am so afraid to touch anything. How did this happen? Are you there? Please help get me out of this before my baby comes. -Amen
Dear God, I rode to court and heard all the horrible things. I did not recognize the person they were talking about. In the bus, on the way back, people chanted “murderer” and threatened to rip my baby out of me and kill us both. Such hatred. I’m so lost. I don’t want to hate like that. Please don’t let this change me. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, I bow before you a sinner. You alone know all my transgressions. You know all I have done in secret and in the light. As per your word, I deserve death for the least of my sins. I ask you to seek my heart. Hear my plea. Grant me your mercy. Set aside your wrath. Deliver me from the end I deserve. Cleanse my heart of my sins through your son’s sacrifice. May my sins be blotted out so all you see is the debt paid. Deliver me from the guilt of my failing. Renew my faith and my joy in salvation. Lend me your strength so I may not stray far from your face. Do not depart from me. Lord, please do not abandon me. Do not remove your Holy Spirit from me. Uphold me and restore me to my place as your child. I praise you for your loving kindness. I praise you for your righteousness. I praise you for being the final Judge who decides my ultimate fate. I surrender my all to you and cast myself at your mercy. Bless me Father so I may once again be of use to you. Use me or your purpose. -Amen
Dear God, please be with me tonight. I left my tiny baby at the hospital alone. No one is here to be with her, and I am back in this cold cell. My arms ache for her, and I fear my heart will not last the night. Lord, I want my baby, PLEASE. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, I just got back from the hospital. My latest suicide attempt has failed again. Why won’t you just let me die? Even those who would be sad would also sigh with relief if I died. Please stop saving me. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, through the trial, I learned so much ugliness and the loss of such a young life. Oh Father, the family heard, and I know their heart was torn more than mine. I ache for my friends who stand accused and can’t bring myself to accuse either of them. Only one is guilty but both say it was not them. Father, I ache for the family, but I don’t know them. My friends are more personal to me, and I know them enough to know they are both in pain. I love them, Lord, and that won’t stop. I am hated for loving them and was condemned for crying for my friends. I miss my daughter as the family misses theirs and as my family misses me. Lord, life hurts too much. Please make it stop. -Amen
Lord, I lost my case, and it was because I refused to speak or act. The result is that I will now be separated from my daughter for the rest of my life. I can live with the rest, but this is the hardest. How did I choose silence over the chance to be with her? I know I am wrong, but I could not make myself speak up. I am damned. Please don’t let my little girl be damned too. -Amen
Lord, today I tried to explain to my family why I didn’t speak, but they are so angry. I cannot blame them because I am angry at myself, too. I cost my parents their daughter, and now I pay for losing my own daughter. Everyone has lost someone. There is nothing I can do now. Please be with my family and let them find a way to forgive me if they cannot find their way to understand. I am too exhausted to say more. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, HELP!!! -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, Today I saw some people claiming to be your children but Father, these people rarely act like they know you. I was so upset that people would be so hypocritical and misrepresent you. How dare these people publicly declare you when their daily actions denounce everything you are? My anger rose until I heard your still, small voice say, “Go ahead, my child, go ahead and cast the first stone.” It was then I had to admit I am not one to judge. So, Lord, I ask you to forgive me for the times my actions and words conflicted and misrepresented you. Please help me always to remember I’m your child and to always act like it. I will stand up for the principles and values you teach. Bless you and praise you for all you do for me. In the name of the Father and Son. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, I heard the sentence of Life Without the Possibility of Parole. Lord, I knew my fate before the jury left to deliberate but did not understand fully what that fate entailed. I am sitting in a room with a Velcro dress on suicide watch. I am told this is standard procedure for the sentence here. I am too numb to consider taking my life. The past few years I have exhausted my attempts with no success. Now I just lay here. Lord, my family is not so numb. They do not have years of jail to drain them of everything. They had hope. Be with them tonight. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, I am losing my numbness, and I awoke in a cell with eight people after spending over three years alone. It’s too much! Please make it stop! The noise, the smells, and everything is too much. Bring back my numbness. Please! -Amen
Lord, please shut this bitch up before I lose it and get a write up. -Amen
Lord, I am told that as an LWOP on Close-A status, I may not get a job off the yard. I may not go off the yard unescorted even to medical appointments. I may not transfer to the smaller prison that offers two-person cells, and I’m basically told to shut up do my time and disappear as best I can in a sea of three thousand people.
Lord, I started cutting again today on my legs so no one will see. It helps me not feel like jumping out of my skin. I promise to keep them clean, but please don’t let any get infected. -Amen
Lord, a girl committed suicide today by hanging herself from the window. Everyone talks about how sad it is, and I feel jealous of her resolve. I might need help, but I don’t want to talk to anyone about what I am feeling. -Amen
Lord, please let my dinner stay down. -Amen
Lord, please make this mean officer go away and let the nice one come back. -Amen
Lord, please let a shipment of toilet paper and pads arrive before this little bit runs out.
Lord, my neighbor overdosed. If you will allow it, please let her recover with her body and mind intact. -Amen
Lord, please don’t let the pepper spray cloud reach this far. I forgot to bring my asthma inhaler with me today. -Amen
Lord, please don’t let the officers see those girls fighting. It is raining, and I don’t want to sit on the rain-soaked ground. -Amen
Lord, I got word Grandma died. She lived a long life, but she was my best friend. She had such hope we would see each other again on earth. Lord, she never got to meet my daughter. My heart feels like it is being squished. Please make the pain stop. -Amen
Lord, can you please let someone email me? I am so lonely. -Amen
Lord, please let someone help with my quarterly box this month so I can get a few luxury items. -Amen
Dear Heavenly Father, I have gone years without really talking to you. It is unclear if you left me or I left you. Daddy says you never move, so I guess it was me. I am in a tiny cell and at the end of my rope. Last week, I was raped. After some hairy situations that followed, I am now in protective custody, which is the same as the jail within the prison. They would not let me have a cell alone, and I don’t know my roommate. Lord, I have been here enough to know that this will label me for life here. They won’t let me stay here forever, and I am living in fear every day. I am afraid to close my eyes in front of my roommate. I don’t know when I am awake or having nightmares when I close my eyes. Please help. -Amen
Lord, I am making an effort; still, all I feel is anger. There has been no news about my daughter since I came to prison. There are members of my family I have never heard from. My friends who relied on me often have never been in touch. I feel like I am disappearing. -Amen
Lord, they announced that LWOPs can apply for resentencing, so I did. I can’t bring myself to hope. They exclude LWOPs from every type of relief. It feels like the whole world wants us dead and gone but wants us to die the slowest way possible. Just letting you know I did apply. -Amen
Lord, today I looked in the mirror and did not recognize my face. There are days I can’t remember my name. It feels like I am losing myself. Maybe this is what Life Without Parole means. They call it the slow death or death by incarceration. I wish death was quicker. I lost my daughter, my home, most of my family and friends, and now my identity. Lord, I don’t know what I am asking because I don’t seem to care what comes next. –Amen
Lord, I got news today that my dad is on hospice from Covid. Please don’t take him. I am not strong enough for this. This is something I can’t survive. Please God, don’t take my dad. -Amen
Lord, thank you for the miracle treatment that saved Daddy. I will never ask for anything ever again. Thank you! -Amen
Lord, just letting you know I am still here. Are you? -Amen
Lord, my roommate lost her grandfather to Covid today. I feel guilty for my blessing when you saved Daddy but so grateful. All I could do was hold her while she cried. Will this illness kill us all? -Amen
Lord, I see so much pain, abuse, and heartache besides what I experience myself. It makes me not want to get up. I am not sure what to do. -Amen
Lord, Mom was diagnosed with cancer. We are running out of time. Please don’t let her die before I get home. -Amen,
Lord, I am back in the county to be resentenced. The Appellate Court acknowledged I was not there and even dropped half my charges. It’s almost over. Daddy is in his eighties, and Mom is close behind. I am so excited that I will be home in time to spend their final years together. I should be able to get my daughter so they can meet her. I have my parole plan ready, and there is a chance for a real life. I am about to turn forty-nine and my friends and family are planning a huge fiftieth when I am home. It’s finally happening. Thank you -Amen
Lord, I don’t understand. The judge read the denial, but it wasn’t about me. He said I was guilty of charges that aren’t mine and cited evidence that was not against me. He sent me back to prison as an LWOP. What if mom dies before this gets fixed? What if I lose Daddy because he loses Mama? My daughter will be twelve soon and doesn’t know me. There are fewer and fewer people who write, and now I am losing more. Lord, I am drowning again. Please let me know if you have a plan. -Amen
Lord, I am back in prison, and the counselor reviewed all my exclusions based on my LWOP sentence. I can’t get a job with joint venture, which is the only way I could pay off my restitution in my lifetime. No participation in the tattoo program. No transferring to the smaller prison until I am over fifty. No juvenile parole. No elderly parole. I stopped listening after that. Basically LWOP = NO, but advocates tell us LWOP= HOPE. Which is it, Lord, because I am losing my fight. -Amen
Lord, Mom had to stop chemo. I can’t believe a court error might stop me from seeing her before she dies. Dad’s health is not good either. If you take them, I don’t think I would even care if I went home. If you take them, please take me too. -Amen
Lord, I am here. Are you?
