by Rodzinski Roccardo Allen
My name is Rodzinski Roccardo Allen, but most people call me Ricky. I am serving a life sentence for murder, currently incarcerated at Pelican Bay State Prison.
At the beginning of my life I was bitter. I blamed everything and everyone for my problems. I blamed the police for arresting me. I blamed society for my place in it, for my poor standard of living in the inner city, for the racism and prejudice afforded me as a black man in America. Because of this bitterness and blame, I conditioned myself to believe there were no alternatives available beyond the need to commit violent crimes in order to maintain my status quo in gangs, through drugs and other self-destructive behaviors.
I was 17 when I started hanging out with my older brother, right after the tragic death of our mother. The hardship of losing a parent was devastating. As a result of my grief and resentment from her leaving, I ignored the advice she had given me to pursue education and, instead, idolized my brother’s gang lifestyle. In hindsight, listening to his advice was just plain dumb. This was made dumber because I knew better.
After I became incarcerated, I almost gave up due to low self-esteem. Then one day I received a prison assignment to education for a GED preparation class. I had never paid attention to education after the death of my mother. Yet, she had always wanted me to graduate from high school. On the first day of class, the teacher gave an inspirational speech that sounded a lot like my sweet mother. Something the teacher said about 
claiming responsibility in life got my attention. This caused me to contemplate my past and imagine a future. I realized this was a chance to reevaluate my worth in society, to overcome past failure, to set priorities within the prison system that could lead to success afterward.
The first thing I had to do was take responsibility for my life. I had to own my mistakes, let go of the past behaviors and thought processes, and do away with negative influences. I had to actually feel something and demonstrate remorse for pain and sorrow caused to others, and to society. I promised myself I would make no more excuses. I promised to use discernment, discipline, and positive thinking in setting my future goals.
I began my new life’s journey by joining every self-help group available. The biggest challenge was trying to accomplish my educational goals. With resilience, determination, the help of prison staff, and my teacher’s perseverance, I earned my GED from the Vision Adult School program. Graduating with my GED inspired me to enroll in the Incarcerated Student Program at Feather River College, where I am pursuing my associate of arts degree. I also graduated from Defy Ventures, Inc., a self-help program that teaches career readiness in leadership, entrepreneurship, and job management skills. Through Defy Ventures I received my certificate from the Hankamer School of Business at Baylor University. Participation in this program allowed me to meet influential executives and business owners who gave career advice that I could use beyond prison.
Beyond prison? I had never before considered my life after prison. It was a revelation. It made me think about the purpose of my incarceration. It made me think about parole board expectations. This was a defining moment that changed how I thought and felt about the prison administration, correctional staff, and even about other human beings. In this moment I gained a measure of common sense, tolerance, and understanding I did not have before. I became willing to accept constructive criticism from those who were willing to help me change my life, regardless of race, gender, or religion. I became willing to accept culpability and blame for the mistakes I have made.
Prison has given me a second chance at freedom similar to that experienced by the forefathers of America who immigrated here for religious and political reasons, and those ancestors of mine released from the bonds of slavery after having built much of this great country. It is hoped my experiences and revelations will encourage others to change their lives, too, as I have changed mine. We all can have a second chance at freedom, if only we will take it.
Republished from “Perspectives from the Cell Block: An Anthology of Prisoner Writings” – edited by Joan Parkin in collaboration with incarcerated people from Mule Creek State Prison.
