“Self control requires hard examinations of bad conduct, unflattering beliefs and uncomfortable moments that often are adverse childhood experiences which became bad operating systems in need of repair. This work is far from perfect, but it is sincerely pushing into areas of renewal all men should lean into. When a man speaks aggressively towards a woman he is occupying the classic abuser role in the domestic violence cycle—he is displaying power-seeking behavior out in the open, while confessing fear.”
~Ghostwrite Mike, an excerpt from his article entitled, ‘She’s Someone’s Daughter: How AOC Created a Domestic Violence Teachable Moment Exercise for Imprisoned Men Attending a Poetry Workshop.”
This article is not about a poetry workshop at San Bruno Jail, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be one in the near future. I quoted Ghostwrite Mike because he touched upon a sensitive issue which plagues many men both inside and outside of institutional settings – self-control. If a friend, a loved one, or family member of yours was incarcerated, wouldn’t you want them to participate in programs that promote healing and transformation? Not all jails in America create space and opportunities for detainees to address the origins of trauma which may have led to their current plight. San Bruno Jail (also known as CJ#3) is operated by the San Francisco County Sheriff’s Office. I am currently participating in a program for incarcerated Veterans known as C.O.V.E.R. (Community of Veterans Engaged in Restoration). The veteran service organization known as Swords to Plowshares, which is based in San Francisco and has an office in Oakland, California provides a facilitator for the C.O.V.E.R. program while working closely with the SF Sheriff’s Office on program ideas.
Recently, an educator and survivor of human trafficking, whom we will call “Ebony,” was invited inside to teach a class on domestic violence and human trafficking. JOURNALIST’S NOTE: I chose not to use Ebony’s real name because we practice anonymity in our groups. Ebony has a master’s degree and is working on her Ph.D. Ebony shared with us some of her own story as to how she survived and overcame the trauma of being trafficked. Ebony also focused on providing us with some tools that can help all people understand and recognize the overall patterns of abusive and violent behaviors in unhealthy relationships.
I’ve learned that being able to recognize problems in the way we interact and treat our partners can be invaluable in beginning the process of healing. One diagram Ebony shares with us was entitled, “The Power and Control Wheel.” Here’s a few explanations from that model:
- Male privilege, explanation: treating her (your partner) like a servant; making all the big decisions; acting like the master of the castle; being the one to define man’s and woman’s roles
- Emotional abuse: pushing her down; making her feel bad about herself; calling her names; making her think she’s crazy; playing mind games; humiliating her; making her feel guilty
- Minimizing, denying, and blaming; making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn’t happen; shifting responsibility for abusive behavior; saying she caused it.
If you are a man and you feel uncomfortable or chastised as you read this…well, that’s the idea! I most certainly cannot lecture anyone on relationship issues. But why write a piece on Domestic Violence Awareness Month and not provoke thoughts on the topic?
WHAT IS HEALTHY AND UNHEALTY?
Ebony also provided us with a worksheet entitled, “How Healthy Is My Relationship?” It provided a list which helps identify some healthy and unhealthy characteristics of our relationships. I’ll provide some examples:
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
- Both apologize when you’re wrong
- Have some privacy – your letters, diary, personal phone calls are respected as your own
- Have equal decision-making power about what you do in a relationship
- Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other, or making threats
- Always treat each other with respect.
Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
- Ignore or withhold affection as a way of punishing the other
- Use of alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior
- Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other
- Acts controlling or possessive like you own your partner
- Embarrasses or humiliates the other
Each of these lists are just brief examples and were shared in the spirit of education. My goal here is to provoke dialogue on the subject.
The San Francisco County Sheriff’s Office does allow many social workers, educators, substance abuse counselors, housing advocates, and religious volunteers access to the detainees in their custody when security conditions permit. I must admit that my favorite volunteers are those who deliver library books. The San Francisco Public Library has a Jail Re-Entry Services Project which provides books and information to detainees at the SF County Jail. NOTE: The library is located at 100 Larkin Street in San Francisco, and I encourage you to volunteer.
I’d like to share an excerpt of a book entitled Cherish x
Abolish. The section I am quoting was written by a queer intellectual and author named bell hooks and the chapter is entitled, “Feeding Male Spirit.” Bell Hooks states, “As Zukav and Francis boldly state in The Heart of a Soul, ‘Intimacy and the pursuit of external power – the liability to manipulate and control – are incompatible.’ Before most men can be intimate with others, they have to be intimate with themselves. They have to learn to feel and to be aware of their feelings. Men who mask feelings or suppress them simply do not want to feel the pain. Since emotional pain is a feeling that most males have covered up, numbed out, or closed off, the journey back to feeling is frequently through the portal of suffering. Much male rage covers up this place of suffering: This is a well-kept secret. Often when a female gets close to male pain, penetrating the male mask to see the emotional vulnerability beneath, she becomes a target for the rage.”
It is my firm belief that when people can engage in open conversations about difficult topics, this can lead to positive outcomes. I am very grateful for the volunteers at San Francisco’s Public Library Jail Re-Entry Project for sharing the book, Cherish x Abolish with me.
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Malik Washington is a freelance journalist and Director at Destination: Freedom and Destination Freedom Media Group.
