The advice given to young women, that “divorce is the last option,” is not wisdom. It is a death sentence. It is a slow, socially sanctioned execution by a thousand cuts, a doctrine preached by the same people who benefit from a woman’s suffering. The moment a man shows his teeth; the first sign of violence, manipulation, or control, is not the time to negotiate, to pray, to hope for change.
It is the time to run.
Not walk.
Not “consider your options.”
Run.
This is not about being “too quick to give up.” It is about being too slow to save yourself. The culture that tells women to stay in abusive relationships is the same culture that tells them to smile through pain, to make excuses for monsters, to sacrifice their sanity for the sake of a crumbling institution. It is a culture that values the sanctity of marriage over the sanctity of a woman’s life. It is a culture that has turned survival into a moral failing.
The first sign of control is not a warning. It is the reveal. The moment a man isolates you from friends, monitors your phone, dictates what you wear, or humiliates you in front of others, that is not a “red flag.” That is the flag. It is the enemy’s banner, planted on your doorstep. It is the declaration of war. And you are not the diplomat. You are the soldier. Your job is not to negotiate peace. Your job is to fight to get the hell out.
The obsession with the divorce rate is a distraction. It is a tool used to shame women into staying in hell. It is a statistical fetish that ignores the human cost. What is the divorce rate compared to the cost of a broken rib, a shattered spirit, a life lived in fear? What is the divorce rate compared to the cost of a child watching their mother be degraded, or a woman losing her sense of self in the slow erosion of abuse? The divorce rate is a number. A woman’s life is not.
The idea that divorce is a failure is a lie told by people who have never had to choose between their safety and their social standing. It is a lie told by people who have never had to sleep with one eye open, never had to rehearse their husband’s rage in their head, never had to pretend to be happy while they were dying inside. It is a lie told by people who have never had to choose between a roof over their head and a hand around their throat.
The real failure is not divorce. The real failure is staying. It is staying because you are afraid of what people will say. It is staying because you are afraid of being alone. It is staying because you are afraid of being poor. It is staying because you are afraid of being judged. The real failure is believing that your worth is tied to the approval of a man who has already shown you he does not value you.
The first sign of violent, manipulative, controlling behavior is not a reason to try harder. It is a reason to leave. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now. Pack a bag. Take your children. Take your documents. Take your courage. Take your life. And run. Don’t look back. Don’t apologize. Don’t explain. Just run.
The world will not collapse if you leave. The institution of marriage will not die. The only thing that will die is the lie that you owe your life to a man who has already shown you he does not deserve it. The only thing that will end is the slow, quiet murder of your spirit.
Run.
Not for the sake of the divorce rate. Run for the sake of your life. Run for the sake of your children. Run for the sake of your future. Run because you are worth more than the comfort of a man who has made you his prisoner.
Run because you are not a last option, you are the first priority.
“The culture that tells women to stay in abusive relationships is the same culture that tells them to smile through pain, to make excuses for monsters, to sacrifice their sanity for the sake of a crumbling institution. It is a culture that values the sanctity of marriage over the sanctity of a woman’s life. It is a culture that has turned survival into a moral failing.”
No one is telling women that. Where are you getting your information from?
Also, women sometimes engage in these type of behaviors as well. (Though they usually avoid physical confrontations for obvious reasons. Or at least, they’re generally less of a threat to a man, unless some kind of weapon is involved.
Marriage is simply a legal contract (usually resulting in a man forced to give up “half his assets”, if it ends in divorce). Probably less of a factor these days, since most women are also working – and sometimes earn more than their spouses.
At this point (e.g., fewer kids, women working) – I’m not sure why marriage is even needed anymore. (Again, it’s nothing more than a legal contract.)
I have read that fewer young people are getting married these days, and that they’re older if they end up doing so.
“The culture that tells women to stay in abusive relationships….”
Ron: “No one is telling women that. Where are you getting your information from?”
“…nothing but adultery, or such willful desertion as can no way be remedied by the church or civil magistrate, is cause sufficient of dissolving the bond of marriage.”
This is from the widely adopted Westminster Confession of Faith. It is the official position of some Protestant faiths. You will find it on the About Us page of some churches as part of their official position regarding marriage and divorce.
Put simply: abuse is not grounds for divorce in those denominations.
Interesting – and would also apply to men.
There is too much “intertwining” of religion (or aspects of religion) associated with the legal contract of marriage.
Organized religion has been declining in the U.S. for decades, as has marriage itself. For this type of reason, among others.
No one truly understands what life/death is, but it seems beyond obvious that there’s no “invisible man in the sky”. So if anyone is listening to an organization which claims that they’re a messenger for that non-existent entity, I’m not sure that articles/comments on here will help.
Honestly not seeing any difference between what some call a “cult”, vs. religion. (Only in regard to the commitment level, I guess – see Jonestown, Heaven’s Gate, etc.)
But getting back to marriage itself, I’m not seeing the need for it anymore. (There was a need in the past, when women stayed at home to raise the kids – and therefore did not generally have their own professional careers. In other words, sacrificed their own earning potential, which put them at risk in the event of a divorce. Of course, some men also do so nowadays, but it’s not common.)
Regardless, both parties are financially responsible for their kids – marriage, or not.
This piece is about domestic abuse, which is real, lethal, and not remotely funny. What is funny, darkly, unintentionally, and almost impressively, is how this essay manages to turn a deadly serious subject into a TED Talk delivered by a foghorn.
Let’s start with the central rhetorical innovation: the word “run.”
It appears 10 times. Ten. That is not emphasis. That is cardio based incantation.
By the fifth “run,” the essay stops being advice and starts sounding like a malfunctioning fitness tracker trapped in a divorce pamphlet. Run. Run. Run. Not walk. Run. Again. Still run. In case you missed it: run. The repetition isn’t clarity. It’s a substitute for nuance, safety planning, resources, legal realities, financial constraints, immigration status, children, housing. Most significantly, the “just leave” moment is often the most dangerous moment in an abusive relationship.
Which brings us to the mondo irony jackpot: this essay is loudly, aggressively and militarily *mansplaining* how to leave abusive relationships! WTAF?
Women who are in the midst of the experience already understand the danger, the fear, the stakes, are being barked at like recruits who simply failed to grasp the revolutionary concept of self preservation. The essay positions itself as revelatory while explaining to women, with maximum confidence and minimal humility, what abuse is and what they must do about it. Thank you, General Obvious, leader and savior of abused women. The women have been promoted to soldiers and given orders to — wait for it — RUN.
The tone is rhetorical cosplay. War metaphors, enemy banners, declarations of war, everything except the one thing survivors actually need: grounded, practical, non performative guidance — not from the male general — but from empathetic women who have been through it. There is no acknowledgment that leaving is often when violence escalates. No recognition that abusers control money, documents, transportation, immigration status, or custody. Instead, we get a fantasy of decisive motion, where courage alone substitutes for logistics, law, the presence of a person who might kill you, and survival planning. “Pack a bag” is not a plan. It’s a slogan.
The essay insists it is fighting a culture that values marriage over women’s lives. That critique is valid for many situations. But then it recreates the same moral absolutism it claims to oppose. Stay and you have failed. Leave instantly or you are complicit in your own destruction. The complexity of real lives is flattened into a purity test administered by a male at a typewriter who never has to live with the consequences of being wrong.
In trying to sound fierce, the piece becomes careless. In trying to sound protective, it becomes patronizing. And in trying to save women, it ends up centering the author’s own certainty of their own words instead.
Domestic abuse deserves seriousness, humility, and care. This essay offers volume, repetition, and a RUNning chant — literally!
Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. Ten times.
Ok . . . we get it.